What an inconvenience Cancer is
I have a whole lot of happy and positive days, but they take a toll on me when reality sets in…like this morning. I’m frustrated and couldn’t figure it out. I pieced it together and figured out I’m pissed off because cancer to me, is really an inconvenience. How lucky I am to call it that. Relatively speaking, I’m healthy and will conquer this. But I am also 28 and have the mindset and energy in my brain as one. I am an energetic person. I love to clean, it organizes my brain. When my husband is at work and the kids are at school, it’s the perfect time to put on my favorite music really loud and do laundry and clean the house and organize. Even look up ideas on pinterest for new projects. I’m one who starts two projects at once…a complete busy body. Cancer has stolen this from me. As I look over the past 5 years, I can look back and really see how it has deteriorated my mind and energy. I just can’t keep up like I used to. I thought it was a part of life. Now I’m just tired, and have small bursts of creativity energy to do things. When those bursts end, I just need to sleep…and I do. I’m tired of effing sleeping. I don’t want to sleep anymore (crying right now). I want to enjoy my kids at this precious age they’re at. I want to remember these years and not have chemo brain stealing that from me.
Chemo will be done on June 7th of this year. yay! But I will still have my weekly herceptin injections until March of 2014. I take herceptin because I am her2neu+ which means: “HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2), which promotes the growth of cancer cells. This is a gene mutation that occurs only in the cancer cells and is not a type of mutation that you can inherit from a parent. Breast cancers tend to be more aggressive than other types of breast cancer. They’re also less responsive to hormone treatment. Herceptin (Trastuzumab), which specifically targets HER2, kills these cancer cells and decreases the risk of recurrence.”
I want the energy today to finish all of our laundry. Put it all in piles, put the loads in, fold and put away. I want the energy today to change the kids sheets and wash etc. them. I want the energy today to make a real supper and not mac and cheese or pizza. “Can’t Will help?” He does. He comes home from his full-time job and he’s already so tired and tries to keep up here at home with our two energetic babes. Spring is here, and we want to plant a garden, mow the grass, work in the garage…etc. There just isn’t enough time in the day. We want to spend our precious 3-4 hours with our kids…playing outside, taking a walk, helping with homework, watching a movie…but housework always ruins that. Just like every family has to deal with. I get frustrated by this..but that’s the way life is.
I don’t want to be bald anymore. I want my hair back. I want my strength back. I don’t want these expanders in my chest anymore. I don’t want to take medication anymore. I want to sing again. I don’t want to be tired anymore. I want to run again. I want to at least walk again without losing my freaking breath. I’m not patient anymore. I want to be done now and move on with my life. I can’t ignore cancer like I want to. This will always be apart of my g-d life. I’ll always have to be under the examining table for the rest of my life. I will be cured from this cancer June 7th. But my risks for recurring breast cancer, or lymphoma (others I’ve put out of my head) are high. I don’t think about that…but it’s not something I can put “out of sight out of mind”. I’m angry with this. Why. This isn’t how I wanted my life to go. None of us would want this…but damn it, reality is here today. Damn hospital bills, freaking appointments always…thankfully, I will make it through this, and that’s what I have to keep reminding myself. Not all are as lucky as I am.
I have chemo tomorrow, my 4th treatment out of 6. My friend, Josh, is running the Kentucky Derby Marathon on Saturday for me. He has been training for 4 months for this and worked so so hard. I’m upset at the thought I more than likely won’t be able to be there from the beginning through the end for him. Cheering him on with all of my might and taking awesome photos of him. My eyes are filling up again… Chemo on the second day for me I’m usually just exceptionally tired and weak. They’ve (him and his wife Briley) have worked SO hard for this and I can’t even physically give it my all. It makes me cry. I know everyone understands this, of course..but this isn’t me and it breaks me. If you would like to read about Josh’s work he has done, you can click here. He started a fundraiser to reach $1000 for our family, and has exceeded this goal and raised over $2000!! To learn more about the Kentucky Derby Marathon, click here.
I’m also not sure if we will continue selling shirts anymore. Since I mess them up, my “chemo-brain”, I can’t do them lol…and with Will working full-time at the t-shirt shop..that’s one of the last things he wants to do when he finishes work is work more. He would rather spend quality time with our kids and I want to spend time with him. It raises money for us, but I would rather spend time with my family than try to raise money. Orders just pile up and it’s just not fun anymore. I feel sad for everyone who’s order is late..we just can’t keep up anymore. :’(
I want my nose to stop running for once. Not even allergy medicine stops it. I want to be able to take ibuprofen or excederine..I want to take a trip to Ohio to visit the Ikea store..but again, have to check the calendar to see when my appointments are..or if I’ll be too tired. I just want to get on with life. Dumb hurdle. I always tripped on hurdles in high school
Here’s a couple pics from my phone from my last chemo treatment:
Listening to music is my favorite thing. Here you can see the tube going into my port via needle. This is how most of my medicines are given to me (chemo, herceptin, anti-nausea meds, and bloodwork). Can’t forget my heated blanket either!
Here’s my view